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Twilight – New Moon: New Director, Same Failures

Yes, this is the only facial expression I have. Why do you ask?

Rating: 2 out of 10

At the screaming and preening delight of tweens across the nation, the second installment of the uber-popular Twilight franchise hit the screens at midnight Thursday and proceeded to break numerous first-day records. Leaving Dark Knight in the dust, New Moon separated tween parents from the money in their wallets at a rate of $72 million dollars in the first 24 hours. It slipped a little bit in the weekend total and five-day gross, so in the end Dark Knight and a few other choice films still rank higher, but Summit Entertainment and Twilight fans alike know their precious franchise is very much alive and cemented in cinema futures for the next few years.

For those who might not already know, New Moon takes the love story between Edward and Bella and drops in the ever-so-popular third wheel, Jacob. Edward bails from the gray and rainy world of Forks because he believes he will only end up hurting Bella more and in his absence Jacob grows to be more than just the nice kid form the reservation. She allows him to drag her up from the depression Edward left her in and finds herself caught even more now in the middle of not just a battle for the hearts of two men, but two monsters as Jacob reveals he too is more than meets the eye.

Let me just tell you all up front that after seeing the first Twilight film and finding it to be fairly abysmal, I borrowed all four books from a co-worker and read them over the period of a week. My reason for doing this was I wanted to know if all the blame for the movie’s faults could be laid upon the shoulders of Catherine Hardwicke and her newly famous cast, but I came to realize that not all of it was hers to bear. That shared responsibility continues in this new chapter as the reins got taken over by Chris Weitz, who last graced the screen helming the CGI-cluster bomb The Golden Compass (another example of shared blame between director and source material). So to be fair, the volume of issues there are in this film are not with the movie alone, but with the source material it is born from.

My main and most pounding issue with New Moon is the length. There is no reason for nearly two-and-a-half hours of this. If you cut out even half of the strained dramatic pauses in every piece of dialogue, this could possibly make the cut as a one-hour TV special. Not a single person in the film seems to be able to finish a sentence without stopping and staring at something or someone, forcing unnecessary importance on what they are about to say next. Again, this is inherent in the books, although in that medium, you as the reader can just choose to read faster (which admittedly, these are incredibly fast reads). In the darkness of the movie theater you are trapped, glued by the increasing price of the movie ticket you bought to get in, to stay there and suffer through page after page of visual ellipses.

Secondly, when I was finished with the books I actually had hope for this movie because I felt it was the most enjoyable of the books. The relationship that grows between Bella and Jacob is actually the only relationship in the entire series that you get to witness blossom and actually believe in. Bella and Edward seem to fall hopelessly and endlessly in love with each other from first glance and they spend the next two-thousand pages trying to prove it to each other, but as a reader and audience member we don’t get to really witness that journey. It all feels too heavy without any foundation. Unfortunately, after only one pleasing montage of Bella and Jacob, the super-buff best friend spends the rest of the movie taking on every boring and melodramatic trait of his vampire nemesis. Long stares, brooding glances into the distance, gruff sighs between each and every word. Be still my beating…oh wait, it is still, aw crap, this movie put me in a coma.

Lastly, without dragging this out too long, New Moon actually increases one of the main problems from the first chapter; Bella is not a likable character, not in the least. Without being able to root for her, we can’t honestly route for either of the pseudo-men fighting for her affections. She mopes, whines and is overall gloomy from front to back in this film and she gives you nothing to attach to in order to want her to be happy.

In terms of the acting, it’s patently unfair to critique these people on performances largely hobbled by the books themselves. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are all suffering from what I politely refer to as “The Star Wars Prequel Phenomenon.” After those movies, hordes of people walked around tearing apart Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ewen McGregor and Liam Neeson, but true movie fans knew all along that their horrid performances were not accurate representations of their actual ability. It’s just what happens when talented people are stuck in untalented movies. Kristen was redeeming in Adventureland, Robert got amazing reviews for Little Ashes and Taylor, well, he might not have a ton to his credit yet, but he’s the only one who actually seems to have the ability to shine at all in this franchise, so I expect big things from him once the caskets are finally snapped shut here. Even the addition of an acting prodigy like Dakota Fanning didn’t raise the bar even an inch (although to be fair, she gets approximately four minutes of screen time in this chapter; she’ll be much more featured in the ones to come). The reality of the situation is hidden just beneath the surface during a particular scene where Bella and Edward are in class together and everyone is watching Romeo and Juliet. This is high school melodrama, this is uber-heightened puppy love built up beyond all possible boundaries and while that works for classic stories like Romeo and Juliet, New Moon and it’s associated books fail completely to even dip their sparkly-toed feet into such hallowed waters.

The End of the Page Recommendation: Obviously Twilight fanatics don’t need to read a review to figure out whether or not to see this, but for the rest of the reading audience, if you haven’t read the books, this is not going to bring you anything but confusion as to why it’s making such ridiculous money.

Emergency: Neil Strauss Bugs Out

Lesson One: Stop trying to pull the lever on the cover. It’s not going to happen.

Rating: 9 out of 10

There are certain voices out there, particular tones and rhythms floating through the stacks at your local bookstore. Original, unique and challenging writers who take their stories to new levels each and every time they grace the page. Voices like these are few and far between and we are lucky to be talking about one of them right now. Neil Strauss whispered his way into popular culture inside the words and stories of others, specifically those who were already enjoying massive levels of celebrity. He co-wrote biographies for Dave Navarro, Motley Crue, Jenna Jameson and Marilyn Manson, bringing his talent as a wordsmith to the lives of the edgy and fringe in our society. Then he decided to sink himself into the vacuous and vapid world of the pick-up artist in his next best seller, The Game. While trying to extricate himself from the superficial and shallow lands of the Los Angeles bar scene, something happened which not only changed his life, but the lives of every person on the planet: 9/11. After the fall of the twin towers, Neil began to realize that the society we all rely on is far more fragile than we want to realize. That thought burrowed deep into his psyche and dragged him onto a new path, one that led him not only to his ability to survive in a time of crisis, but also to a realization about how he fits into the world around him.

Emergency is a nearly herculean effort to imagine all the complications that would arise from the collapse of society and then how to survive through each and every one of them. Strauss goes on a bender of classes and in-person instructions about survival techniques, hunting, urban tactics and even quick-draw pistol training. Each new skill enabled him to take another step towards complete autonomy in the case of a social and financial meltdown. Along the way he also tries to share this newly acquired knowledge with his girlfriend, which proved in some cases to be harder than the course itself.

The book slips and slides between funny and frightening, bringing chaos and comedy together in a style only Strauss can supply. He details each step he takes along the way, from learning how to kill, skin and cook a goat himself to how long it really takes to lease an apartment and become a dual citizen in another country. Yet, what good is it to be a dual citizen if the airports are all shut down and you can’t get to your foreign villa? Strauss covers that too when he learns how to fly a personal helicopter. Sure, it can be argued that most people who read this book will not have the same resources Strauss does and that will severely impede their efforts to follow in his intensely prepared footsteps, but there is a treasure trove of knowledge in this book which can be easily applied in your everyday life (like the simple fact that if your water is shut off, the water in the tank on the back of your toilet is actually clean and drinkable). Underneath the sarcasm and self-deprecating humor of Strauss, he actually relates a number of incredibly valuable lessons between these pages. One passage worth looking into is where he details running his urban survival test and being interrupted in a men’s bathroom while dressed in drag. Trust me, there is incredibly intelligent logic behind the situation. Over and over Strauss proves that little things can become intensely important in times of crisis and it behooves all of us to learn at least some of them, if not all.

One thing that also draws me back to Strauss again and again is he really takes these journeys. These are not just research books with cold and empty facts filling the pages. Each lesson is one painted and colored through his experience of starting out a semi-vain and technologically-needy Los Angeles writer and ending up an everyday survivalist and part-time medical disaster volunteer. His original intention was to avoid death when the shit eventually hits the fan, but what he gained was a universal appreciation for life and the necessary skills for preserving it.

Recommendation: For a frank look at how fragile the web we’ve woven for ourselves really is, dig in. For those who break out into a cold sweat just turning on the news or browsing Web M.D., you might want to keep browsing the bookshelves. Try a cookbook specializing in chocolate.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Humor Done Dead Serious

If only I’d read this before summer camp of ’84…

Rating: 8 out of 10

You’re standing on the top of your local water tower, while below you is a moaning and clawing horde of the walking dead. Your pump action shotgun has proved mostly useless and you’re almost out of shells anyway. What could you do to summon help? Is there any way out of your self-made trap? What could you have done to prepare better for this onslaught of undead? These are all great questions that many people think they will never have to ask themselves, but in the world of Max Brooks those questions get asked each and every day and he takes them very seriously. (Kind of…)

The Zombie Survival Guide is a completely serious approach to the methods and training needed to withstand a zombie attack. The first section details which weapons are good to use (tried and true machetes will always outdo flashy firepower, like an Uzi), which terrains are best to travel in (cities are great for location protection, but easy to get trapped in, while the frozen tundra is technically your best bet), and what kind of equipment you should pack if you’re going on the run (surprisingly, this list is eerily similar to any well-prepared hunter). Once you have the basics down for offense, defense and escape tactics, the guide proceeds to detail the long and largely secretive history of zombie attacks all over the world. From the pre-historic regions of Central Africa to an attack on the Virgin Islands only six years ago, you’ll read case after case of cover-up, deceit and blatant denial of any existence of the zombie phenomenon. Unfortunately for those trying to keep it hidden, zombies have a long standing tradition of sitting and waiting for the right moment to strike.

Max Brooks is the son of comedy legend Mel Brooks and screen icon Anne Bancroft, so life in the entertainment world was in his blood. He also picked up from his father the truth that making people laugh is very serious business and shouldn’t be taken lightly if you plan on doing it well. He also honed his craft in the writer’s room of Saturday Night Live for three seasons and wrote for over forty episodes. I have no idea where he found the time, but in those crazy days of skit comedy and hair-pulling deadlines, he wrote this survival guide against the undead, which went on to become a New York Times Bestseller. The completely serious tone he maintains throughout the novel is critical to the underlying humor of it. He knows that true humor comes from when the person delivering the punch line doesn’t know it’s a punch line. There is an odd sensation while you move through the chapters where slowly you almost forget it’s a joke. I wasn’t getting any urges to stock up on kerosene or long-range rifle scopes, but there is a lot of truth tucked in between those pages. The survival techniques spelled out in the book could easily help any hiker or traveler stuck in the woods without food or one being chased by a bear. Those kernels of down-to-earth facts help strengthen the tone and keep the reader hooked in. In the historical sections, Max also brilliantly laid them out in chronological order, which allowed him to refer to past instances as the reason or cause of future outbreaks (as in cases were the zombies from one attack were not properly disposed of, only to come back years later to strike once more).

Max went on from the success of this book to pen his sequel, World War Z, which again is a seriously toned historical fiction detailing oral accounts from people who survived the worldwide outbreak of the zombie race. I actually read that one first, mainly because it was given to me as a gift, but the order of the two books matters very little in terms of enjoyment. World War Z is now being adapted into a movie for Paramount Pictures and Brad Pitt’s company, Plan B Entertainment. Max turned down the offer to write the script since he felt he wouldn’t get the best out of it, so the screenwriting duties fell to J. Michael Straczynski, who is currently enjoying great acclaim for his possibly Oscar nominated script, Changeling (not necessarily from me, but I’m only one voice among the many). No real word on what Max is working on now, but you can be sure it will be serious…seriously funny.

Recommendation: If you’ve ever read any of those other survival guide books, take a crack at this and see how easy it is to get sucked in. Also, this is a true goldmine for any fan of the undead.

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