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Twilight – New Moon: New Director, Same Failures

Yes, this is the only facial expression I have. Why do you ask?

Rating: 2 out of 10

At the screaming and preening delight of tweens across the nation, the second installment of the uber-popular Twilight franchise hit the screens at midnight Thursday and proceeded to break numerous first-day records. Leaving Dark Knight in the dust, New Moon separated tween parents from the money in their wallets at a rate of $72 million dollars in the first 24 hours. It slipped a little bit in the weekend total and five-day gross, so in the end Dark Knight and a few other choice films still rank higher, but Summit Entertainment and Twilight fans alike know their precious franchise is very much alive and cemented in cinema futures for the next few years.

For those who might not already know, New Moon takes the love story between Edward and Bella and drops in the ever-so-popular third wheel, Jacob. Edward bails from the gray and rainy world of Forks because he believes he will only end up hurting Bella more and in his absence Jacob grows to be more than just the nice kid form the reservation. She allows him to drag her up from the depression Edward left her in and finds herself caught even more now in the middle of not just a battle for the hearts of two men, but two monsters as Jacob reveals he too is more than meets the eye.

Let me just tell you all up front that after seeing the first Twilight film and finding it to be fairly abysmal, I borrowed all four books from a co-worker and read them over the period of a week. My reason for doing this was I wanted to know if all the blame for the movie’s faults could be laid upon the shoulders of Catherine Hardwicke and her newly famous cast, but I came to realize that not all of it was hers to bear. That shared responsibility continues in this new chapter as the reins got taken over by Chris Weitz, who last graced the screen helming the CGI-cluster bomb The Golden Compass (another example of shared blame between director and source material). So to be fair, the volume of issues there are in this film are not with the movie alone, but with the source material it is born from.

My main and most pounding issue with New Moon is the length. There is no reason for nearly two-and-a-half hours of this. If you cut out even half of the strained dramatic pauses in every piece of dialogue, this could possibly make the cut as a one-hour TV special. Not a single person in the film seems to be able to finish a sentence without stopping and staring at something or someone, forcing unnecessary importance on what they are about to say next. Again, this is inherent in the books, although in that medium, you as the reader can just choose to read faster (which admittedly, these are incredibly fast reads). In the darkness of the movie theater you are trapped, glued by the increasing price of the movie ticket you bought to get in, to stay there and suffer through page after page of visual ellipses.

Secondly, when I was finished with the books I actually had hope for this movie because I felt it was the most enjoyable of the books. The relationship that grows between Bella and Jacob is actually the only relationship in the entire series that you get to witness blossom and actually believe in. Bella and Edward seem to fall hopelessly and endlessly in love with each other from first glance and they spend the next two-thousand pages trying to prove it to each other, but as a reader and audience member we don’t get to really witness that journey. It all feels too heavy without any foundation. Unfortunately, after only one pleasing montage of Bella and Jacob, the super-buff best friend spends the rest of the movie taking on every boring and melodramatic trait of his vampire nemesis. Long stares, brooding glances into the distance, gruff sighs between each and every word. Be still my beating…oh wait, it is still, aw crap, this movie put me in a coma.

Lastly, without dragging this out too long, New Moon actually increases one of the main problems from the first chapter; Bella is not a likable character, not in the least. Without being able to root for her, we can’t honestly route for either of the pseudo-men fighting for her affections. She mopes, whines and is overall gloomy from front to back in this film and she gives you nothing to attach to in order to want her to be happy.

In terms of the acting, it’s patently unfair to critique these people on performances largely hobbled by the books themselves. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are all suffering from what I politely refer to as “The Star Wars Prequel Phenomenon.” After those movies, hordes of people walked around tearing apart Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ewen McGregor and Liam Neeson, but true movie fans knew all along that their horrid performances were not accurate representations of their actual ability. It’s just what happens when talented people are stuck in untalented movies. Kristen was redeeming in Adventureland, Robert got amazing reviews for Little Ashes and Taylor, well, he might not have a ton to his credit yet, but he’s the only one who actually seems to have the ability to shine at all in this franchise, so I expect big things from him once the caskets are finally snapped shut here. Even the addition of an acting prodigy like Dakota Fanning didn’t raise the bar even an inch (although to be fair, she gets approximately four minutes of screen time in this chapter; she’ll be much more featured in the ones to come). The reality of the situation is hidden just beneath the surface during a particular scene where Bella and Edward are in class together and everyone is watching Romeo and Juliet. This is high school melodrama, this is uber-heightened puppy love built up beyond all possible boundaries and while that works for classic stories like Romeo and Juliet, New Moon and it’s associated books fail completely to even dip their sparkly-toed feet into such hallowed waters.

The End of the Page Recommendation: Obviously Twilight fanatics don’t need to read a review to figure out whether or not to see this, but for the rest of the reading audience, if you haven’t read the books, this is not going to bring you anything but confusion as to why it’s making such ridiculous money.

This is It: Going Out Before the Bang

Who over there keeps requesting songs from “The Wiz”? Seriously, for the last time, that costume was itchy and I’m not doing it.

Rating: 6 out of 10

Sitting in the screening room, nearly breathless with anticipation, I waited for the lights to drop, the camera to roll and the music of the legendary “King of Pop” to fill the room. With that singular focus in mind, this concert film-cum-documentary fit the bill like a shiny sequined glove. Yet when you look beyond the harmonies and continually catchy beats, This is It fails to really capture much more and didn’t deliver the true experience many people are likely to be hoping for in terms of Michael Jackson’s final words.

This is It chronicles the final rehearsals for Michael’s massive and seemingly impressive last tour. If the level of performance and showmanship hinted at throughout the film was any indication of what the actual full concert experience would have been like, Mr. Jackson would have certainly cemented his place (if there was still any real doubt) as one of the best entertainers of all time. From a 3D movie experience built into “Thriller” to the iconographic dance routines brought back once more in “Beat It”, “The Way You Make Me Feel” and other #1 hit songs, the concert was set to amaze audiences with flashes of the new with blasts from the past.

The main downside of the project is that the footage, according to the opening preface, was commissioned by Michael for his personal archives. This was never really meant for widescreen audiences and in that respect wasn’t shot that way. It is tossed together as a montage of Michael’s greatest hits with a few CGI cutaways showing what things would have looked like if he had made it to the opening night of the tour. What is lacking from this is a real sense of who Michael was. On screen he is detailed as a generous, but strict perfectionist and loved and respected by everyone on the project alongside him, yet there is really no sense of what this tour meant to him and what it was like to get back on the stage again after so many years in relative seclusion. Again, that is not the fault of the director as much as it is a integral problem with why the footage was even shot in the first place.

There is a certain nagging voice in the mass consciousness wondering what the actual reason was for putting the movie together in the first place. Was this to give Michael’s fans one last look into what the King’s final bow would have looked like? Was this an attempt by the tour promoter to recoup some of the millions spent in preparation for this incredibly expensive spectacle? Was it pressure from Joe Jackson, Michael’s father, in an effort to keep himself viable in an industry he is largely shut out of? It’s hard to dig through the statements and actions on all sides and figure out the truth because they are all saying something different, but either way, the film itself proved two things: First, Michael was a consummate performer who at the amazing age of fifty could still move and sing and was prepared to deliver one hell of a final tour, and second, we will never truly know who he was underneath the shine and sparkles.

The End of the Page Recommendation: If you are one of the millions who enjoyed his music, this is entertaining just to hear those songs one more time from the man himself. Yet if you are looking for a deeper look beyond the legend and into the real person, this remains unfulfilling and nothing more than a concert film.