Opinions and Commentary on the World, On Screen and Off.
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Seriously, I’d give you a Tic-Tac if I had one, but I really don’t. Does it look like I have pockets on this thing?
There are many in the film criticism world who cringe at the name Roland Emmerich (greatest work to date: Independence Day). At the mere mention they’re heads are flooded with overdone and overblown images from Godzilla (1998), The Thirteenth Floor (1999) and The Day After Tomorrow (2004), a laundry list of very ill received films by audiences and critics alike. But, that rush of images keeps us from remembering his previous hits, such as Universal Soldier (1992), Independence Day (1996) and The Patriot (2000). In my mind, Independence Day still rests as the best of the War of the Worlds remakes, that’s right Spielberg, it’s leaps and bounds more enjoyable than yours. So, for me, the name dropping of Roland Emmerich doesn’t instill instant fear or any cringe worthy responses, just a slight sense of curiosity with tempered excitement. With those feelings in place, I casually walked into 10,000 BC after hearing weeks of people tear it apart. I had to see whether it was that bad and maybe, just maybe, find that it was bad enough to turn the tide and be good.
Nope, it was just bad.
Roland definitely has a love and a certain level of vision for the epic sized movies. It shows throughout this film with sweeping shots of the countryside, the Kingdom of the Gods and the neverending snow-capped landscapes. Unfortunately it takes more than epic cinematography to make a movie truly epic and this one didn’t fill in those gaping holes. The basic story breaks down like this: Guy mets girl, guy loses girl, guy goes to get girl back. It’s a classic, we know it, we love it. Along the way it’s revealed that this guy, D’Leh, played by Steven Strait (greatest work to date: Undiscovered), fulfills some type of prophecy in every town he goes to. In his home village the prophecy has to do with the man who takes the mystery girl. That man will help lead their people to new age of food and prosperity. After she is taken, he reaches a new village and finds there he fits the bill in their prophecy about a man who talks to the Sabertooth, which will lead them against their enemies in the Kingdom of the Gods. If that wasn’t enough to heap onto one man’s shoulders, when he finally reaches the Kingdom of the Gods, there is one last prophecy that is filled by the scars on his girlfriend’s hand which magically create the symbol of the hunter, the one thing that scares their almighty deity. [Side note: This was one of the worst plot devices in the film since the scars didn't look like the symbol at all, the celestial formation of Orion the Hunter.] It ended up being way too many prophecies and long foretold tales coming together at once, rendering it completely unbelievable.
Luckily for Roland and his crew, there are many people who couldn’t care less about the balance and believability of the story, they went for the CGI effects and to witness massive woolly mammoth stampedes. Since the advent of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, audiences have only increased in their cravings for realistic monster footage and visuals we will never be able to witness in real life. The film could have been completely held up by the effects alone, but that ended up failing as well. The early mammoth chase by the villagers wasn’t captured with any depth or realism and ended up looking like numerous scenes from the Star Wars prequels, flat and lifeless. [Yep, I just laid some smack down on George Lucas and Steven Spielberg in the same review, I'm on a roll here.] After the opening volley of CGI shots, they did improve slightly with a rather enjoyable battle in the Kingdom of the Gods at the end, but by that point I had been let too far down to be pulled all the way back into the film. Then, whatever feelings of confusion I had over whether the movie could work it’s way back to decent ground were crushed by the hokey and needlessly mystical ending. Once again it was proof that you make or break your audience in the last five minutes. I left broken, totally broken.
Roland has another movie in the works called 2012 which I am sure I’ll give a chance to, but as the scale starts to tip towards more bad films than good ones, the audiences will begin to wane, no longer swayed by huge monsters, massive CGI natural disasters and impressive helicopter photography. We need more, we demand more. [Last side note: Just to let Roland know, I actually was one of the few people that did enjoy The Day After Tomorrow. A little stilted in dialogue at some points, but overall nicely done.]
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 9:43 am. Add a comment
Here’s the video of Obama’s most recent speech. If we don’t elect him as our new President, it will be a national tragedy.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU]
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 12:08 pm. 6 comments
Now how many candles are on that cake, birthday boy?
Just when you thought we had run out of light-hearted, post-biological apocalypse flicks with a side course of cannibalism, a breath of fresh air shoots onto the screen in the form of Doomsday. My expectations going in were tempered because films like this are terribly easy to ruin by trying to be serious and ending up ridiculous, or vice-versa. It is a tightrope of mockery, dedication and respect to your audience that makes a popcorn experience like this work. Luckily, with very few moments where it could have slipped off, Doomsday traverses the canyon and gives us all something to enjoy.
Written and directed by Neil Marshall (greatest work to date: Doomsday, but he was also writer and director of The Descent, which I heard great things about), Doomsday is the common story of a virus gone wrong and the harsh containment reaction of the government. We’ve seen this many times recently in the Resident Evil franchise, Aeon Flux, 28 Days Later, Ultraviolet, even back to classics like Cyborg (Van Damme crucified, no one saw that coming). The twist to the traditional plot here is they throw in the flavoring of Mad Max and Escape from New York into the mix. Taking place in 2033, the Reaper virus is alive and killing again inside of London. The obviously corrupt government chooses to send a lone team of special forces soldiers into the previous infected and closed off area of Glasgow, Scotland to search for supposed survivors who might possibly be carrying a cure to the virus. The future in London and the rest of the world is bleak, but the future inside the hot zone of Glasgow has reverted back to medieval days. The inner city area has become an homage to Thunderdome from the Mad Max sequel and the outskirts has delved even farther back into the realm of wizards and black knights. The logic of how people regressed so fast, this being only 25 years into the future, doesn’t really hold strong, but the success of the movie comes directly from the fact it doesn’t take itself too seriously or try hard to make perfect sense. Subliminally the screen continuously tells the audience, “Relax, this is silly, laugh and have some fun. Oh, watch this, someone’s head is about to come off!”
Marshall does a great job with the tone of the film, but this of course can be easily derailed by bad actors. Luckily for him the casting people couldn’t seem to find any. Don’t get me wrong, there are no Oscar worthy performances here, but again the tone and delivery of the movie is what’s important and the actors all seemed to get right in line with it. Emma Cleasby (greatest work to date: this one, Doomsday) plays our relentless and reluctant heroine who must lead this crack team of soldiers into the contained city. She plays the tough chick well, my only concern was her performance matched with the clothes and haircut seemed awfully close to a channeling of Kate Beckinsale from Underworld. If you’re going to model the part so closely to someone else, just hire that actress. If not, you have to add in some differences, change the haircut at the very least. Malcolm McDowell (greatest work to date: A Clockwork Orange, kind of a gimme on that one) plays Dr. Kane, who is in the city when it gets walled in by the government and proceeds to go mostly mad because of it, plunging a whole city full of people back into the days of Renaissance. For me, the performance to watch and be impressed by is Craig Conway (greatest work to date: Doomsday, which might remain there for a long time) who plays Sol, the maniacal leader of the crazy cannibal tribe living inside the charred and burned out husk of Glasgow. Conway is definitely channeling Mad Max era villains, but he brings his own spice to it and succeeds in creating something humorous and insane. Just to give you a taste, very shortly after his on screen introduction, he struts out onto a decrepit stage in front of his followers, moving and grooving to the song “Good Thing” by Fine Young Cannibals. This moment could have gone so utterly wrong, but Conway commits to this in every way and sells the entire existence of his tribe in that one sashay into the spotlights. Admittedly the moment runs a little long and the Scottish chorus line that follows is over the line, but the first perfect portion of the scene remains intact.
It’s might be hard to think a film could depict cannibalism and numerous limb and head removals in a serious/hilarious way, but Doomsday accomplishes just that. One liners, explosions and chick fights help fully round out the experience and cap off the true enjoyment of this virus scenario send-up. Lastly, Doomsday also offers up one of the longest and most comical car chases I have witnessed in years. Five people, two against three, inside a car barreling down the road while being chased by the rest of the cannibal tribe. Chock full of genius moments and not to be missed by true action fans. So, if you can crack a smile when an arrow gets shot through the neck of a girl who’s already been decapitated, well then, you might need professional help, but you will also get to fully enjoy this movie. I think it’s a fair trade for a little mental instability.
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Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 9:48 am. Add a comment
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…
One of the most anticipated and talked about pairings in recent indie film history finally arrived in theaters two weeks ago. For those hoping I was going to talk about Will Ferrell and his rabid grizzly bear, you will be sorely disappointed. I am actually talking about the joining of two of the most consistently watchable and talented young actresses in Hollywood today, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman. On the press tour for this film, both repeatedly expressed how excited they were to finally be working with one another, almost to the point of jumping the “we’re totally best friends now” shark, but however they truly feel about each other, it worked beautifully on screen.
The Other Boleyn Girl details the story of a father struggling to earn his family’s way back into the royal court and thereby out of debt, a common practice in those times. His real challenge is choosing which of his two daughters to bargain off to the most powerful bidder. His eldest, Anne Boleyn, played by Portman (greatest work to date: Garden State), is a determined, aggressive and manipulative young girl who will steamroll over anyone and anything to get what she wants. Her younger sister, Mary Boleyn, played by Johansson (greatest work to date: Lost in Translation), is the pure of heart second child who has become increasingly used to living in her older sister’s shadow. Henry VIII, played by Eric Bana (greatest work to date: Troy, horrible film but he was a remarkable Hector), twists these family ties into dangerous knots when instead of being wooed by Anne as his new mistress, he falls for the purity and honesty of Mary. Backstabbing and deviousness become all too common for this family as they try to keep their position in the king’s favor while Anne attempts to gain what she feels is rightfully hers.
Even taking a glancing look back into the history of mother England you can easily find what becomes of this story and the fate of Anne Boleyn, but this film is more about the untold story, that of the two sisters, which admittedly is a good deal fictionalized. Director Justin Chadwick (greatest work to date: this very film, The Other Boleyn Girl) did a superb job in tempering these two young star performances. Natalie is simmering from the opening shot and you can feel the power and determination ready to break through. While on the other side, Scarlett, made intentionally plain by her toned down make-up, also lets her own brand of power seep through, but it is rooted in righteousness instead of desire for power. The claws come out between the sisters as they fight over Henry’s affections until the fight breaches the boundary of family politics and spills into a national crisis and possible civil war. The pairing of these two actresses would also not be as well played in this film were it not for their foil, Eric Bana, who’s touching and troubled approach to this multi-faceted and much hated historical king actually manages to create a sense of empathy for someone mostly known for killing and banishing a number of his wives.
The film sorrowfully pulls the audience along, showing us the worst sides of humanity, while trying to instill the belief that there are always going to be some people who continually try to do what’s right. Fate, free will and the pressures of power are all heavy factors in this successfully painted picture. One of the main things I walked out of the theater thinking was the story shows the hand held closest also cuts the deepest. Check out the film if you are a fan of historical dramas, beautiful and subtle performances, and well executed plans of subterfuge. This one’s got it all.
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Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 12:39 pm. Add a comment
1 – This parody of the creation of early 80′s video games is pretty spot on. I almost thought I was watching a documentary instead of a spoof. Best line: “Oh f*ck, she’s not even there. I’m totally freakin’ out, man.” [via GorillaMask via Cracked]
2 – This is the latest video from a hilariously disturbed team of people. I have already ordered 9 cases of Rawberry, so everyone in the lower California area, be warned. [via TCritic]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs]
3 – Some people are not letting Marion Cottilard off the hook for her 9/11 conspiracy comments. Now one of those jeering voices is asking for her to be stripped of her Oscar saying:
“Marion Cotillard proves to be just another idiot lefty-actor and ugly French woman trashing America”
Wow, powerful argument there from Pastor Robert Westman, although let me take a few shots at debunking his argument. First, he is a Pastor and he is defending his opinion with terms like ‘idiot lefty-actor’ and ‘ugly French woman’. Where do I sign up for his church of hope and positive energy? Next, he is the leader of a family watchdog group called Options, which I can find absolutely nothing on. The lack of easy to find web information on any group instantly means they are extremists and nuts (see how I jump to conclusions about people, almost like judging someones intelligence because they are French, ironyyyyyy…). So we will all sleep well tonight knowing that our moral outrages are being well handled by the offensive and hypocritical of our great nation. [via Starpulse]
4 – If you are a sneakers fan, you might want to look into this new treasure hunt being sponsored by Nike in promotion for their new exclusive line. It’s going on in seven cities, but one of them is here in super sunny Los Angeles, so get your cell phone cameras out and put on your Indiana Jones hat. It’s time to hunt the elusive Kicks of Destiny. [via Josh Spear]
5 – Jim Carrey took on yet another role the other night while promoting his new movie, Horton Hears a Who?. He showed up to American Idol dressed as an elephant and then posed in the waiting area as if he was one of the twelve finalists. I can honestly say this is one of the only times I wished I has seen that show. [via Starpulse]
6 – This kindly older couple, Fred and Sharon, appeared all over the net a week or so ago. Here is the latest is the steady stream of creepier and creepier videos promoting their personal production company. I wonder if we can get him to produce film reviews for Sexman? It’ll be like chocolate and peanut butter, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and the roof of a dog’s mouth… [via FilmDrunk]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7V8z9Mi330]
7 – Damn you Facebook for allowing yet another addicting application to be tossed at me by non-physical contact friends. Knighthood is the fantasy, ex-D&D playing, super-nerd drug of choice in the online networking world. I’m a Knight already, that’s right. Feel the power.
8 – Ever sit back and wonder how all the evil villains of the world come up with such insanely intricate plans? Flowcharts, that’s how. It the secret ingredient to all the great successes of the world. Try one for yourself. I’ll give you ten dollars if you’re not the new dictator of a small third world country by noon. [via Cracked via GorillaMask]
9 – Take The Color of Money, switch Paul Newman for Burt Reynolds, switch Tom Cruise for some newbie, switch Mary Elizabeth Masterantonio for Shannon Elizabeth, switch the game of pool for poker, take out all the incredibly good music like Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon, oh, let’s not forget switch out Martin Scorsese for anyone else. One you have made all these glaring mistakes and horrible choices, now you a new movie called Deal. Well done, people. [via FilmDrunk]
10 – Evidently today is “Pi” day. Now before you start writing in to tell me my spelling is off and gorging yourself on gooey slices of that cherry pie sitting on that nice, old lady’s windowsill, I didn’t spell anything wrong (at least not there). This is the day to celebrate the mathematical number Pi, which translates out to 3.14blahblablahblahblah forever. Those math guys need a holiday too, seriously, get up out of your cubicle and walk around for a bit. If you do, I’ll get you some pie, the real one this time. [via swissmiss]
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 10:01 am. 4 comments
1 – I’m buying one of these for my bathroom. Then I’m going to throw a big party when I hit 80 o’clock. [via Josh Spear]
2 – Are we really ready for 9021-1? It’s being reported that the CW network and the minds behind Veronica Mars are planning to rehash the classic Beverly Hills mega-drama 90210 and launch it as a spin off. If they can generate even half the tabloid buzz and future celebrity meltdowns as the first one, I think we would have a true hit on our hands. [via Perez Hilton]
3 – I heard this tape floating around detailing parts of a hate filled speech given by Sally Kern, a state representative from Oklahoma, but I didn’t really want to post it up here and give her even more airtime. Now I can’t avoid it since Ellen decided to go on the comedy attack yesterday, so enjoy this and remember, never piss off intelligent comedians. [via Perez Hilton]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBzTWcTwJJM]
4 – It looks like it is teetering on the truth to say the final Harry Potter movie will be split into two separate films, slated for release in 2010 and 2011. By that point we can start to expect the deluge of spin-off films, like Fred and George’s Wild Ride to Burma, Muggle Pie 7: Hogwarts New Class, and the action packed quidditch flick, Seek It Like Beckham. [via Starpulse] (even while writing this entry it was made official by the President of Warner Brothers! The movie split, not my planned spin-offs)
5 – While the movie itself might be embroiled in some creative quagmires, the trailer has finally arrived for the new Incredible Hulk starring Edward Norton as our not-so-jolly green giant. It looks pretty good in my opinion. Thoughts? Fears?
6 – I think we are all glad to see Britney getting her sh*t back together, but the record company behind her is still trying to figure out how to salvage anything from her new album, Blackout. The first video shot for it was laughably horrendous, so this time with the new single Break the Ice they decided to do the whole thing anime style, skip using Britney all together. The animation isn’t bad, but you can feel the concept was rushed because it is a blatant rip-off of The Matrix. If you want to see for yourself, head through this link and type in “danger” and “victory” in the two password boxes at the bottom of the page. Honestly, I think I was more excited by the Tron inspired Honda Civic ad that played before the video. [via Defamer]
7 – Sexman is back for his review of 10,000 BC. I honestly don’t know why I continue to write my own reviews, I will never reach this level of sophistication and depth. I bow to you, Sexman. [via FilmDrunk]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dm6wwF-_MA]
8 – Is it just me or in this new full length trailer for Speed Racer did they show his first grade teacher saying “Speed Racer, slow down!” while he was in class. His real name is Speed Racer? And somehow they are acting shocked that later in life he can only seem to think of one thing? Talk about paving your kids road for him. Might as well name him Youngest Senator or States Best Juggler. As for the trailer itself, please for the love of God do not go to this film on LSD, you’ll never make it out alive. [via FilmDrunk]
9 – Another Muppet movie? The sun just got a little brighter today. 
[via ComingSoon]
10 – This was bound to happen with the comfort on anonymity online. Welcome over burdened souls to Online Confessionals. [via CNN]
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 9:47 am. 2 comments
1 – I knew it. I just knew it. [via Swissmiss]
2 – The website has just been launched for the upcoming trigger happy sequel, Punisher: War Zone. I was saddened by the departure of Thomas Jane from this project since I felt he did a stand up job in the first movie, miles better than Dolph Lundgren in the tragic late 80′s version of this urban warfare comic book. On the good side it is directed by Lexi Alexander, who also helmed Green Street Hooligans, a fantastic little film about soccer hooligans and their fist-fightin’ ways. Not much exists on the new website yet, but keep an eye out, the big white skull of the Punisher isn’t going to be hiding in the shadows for much longer. [via ComingSoon]
3 – Dominic Monaghan, who until recently was playing Charlie on Lost, seems to have grown addicted to the wildlife and jungle setting he was used to on the show. Now he is talking about tramping into the jungles of Nigeria to find the Hercules Baboon Spider, reportedly the biggest spider in the world. I think someone needs to sit this boy down and show him Arachnophobia. We all know giant spiders will plot, connive and use their 8-legged wiles to destroy anyone who gets near them. If Bill Pullman barely made it out alive, Dominic doesn’t stand a chance. [via Starpulse]
4 – You can all sit back and rest easy knowing that at any moment of the day, whenever your little heart desires, you can watch the new trailer for Lost Boys: The Tribe. The return of Corey Feldman is a sign that we are back on the right path as a nation and as a people. [via ComingSoon via MTV]
5 – It was nice while it lasted…Ashton Kutcher’s new show Pop Fiction, where he sets up fake media events to punk the paparazzi and gossip outlets, is now embroiled in a legal battle since the concept of the show is strikingly similar to one that Anna Nicole Smith tried to launch with her lawyer, Howard K. Stern. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is actually just part of the show and Ashton is ascending to punk guru status, but we’ll wait for the smoke to clear on this one. [via Perez Hilton]
6 – Why couldn’t they have made Los Angeles into a Foam City? I wonder if it would have caused chemical reactions with all the plastic here already. So sad. [via Josh Spear]
7 – I wonder what the nutritional content of air is for the canine form? I must be missing something. [via Perez Hilton]
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=IBbKQlQezPc]
8 - Once again, Garfield Minus Garfield captures brilliance for the day:
9 – Oh no, the sh*t is certainly going to hit the fan here. Michael Bay is in talks to helm the remake of Rosemary’s Baby. You thought that child was evil before, wait until he’s armed with 2 shoulder mounted rocket launchers, 3 cans of napalm and a bio-genetic weapon deadly enough to take out a large city. (I’m buying pre-ordering tickets the moment they announce Nick Cage will be playing the baby). [via FilmDrunk]
10 - I don’t even know what to write about this, but the summary is the parents of a severely retarded girl had her undergo a number of operations to effectively stop her from growing and physically keep her a child for the rest of her life. I tried wrapping my mind around the ethical and moral issues of this, then I heard a popping noise and suddenly forgot where I was born. [via CNN]
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 1:06 pm. 4 comments
1 – Thankfully for the fans of the tragically late Heath Ledger, it was just announced that they are back in production for the last film he was working on The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus and they will be leaving all his footage involved and intact. Jude Law, Johnny Depp and Colin Farrell will also be stepping in to take over the rest of the role, but no CGI, no re-cutting to make unshot scenes work. His last performance will be shown to us as Heath and Terry Gilliam intended it. [via Starpulse]
2 – More celebs have added their voices to the protesting of hate crimes like the one that happened mere weeks ago. [via Perez Hilton]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UpYC4DSDn0]
3 – Improv Everywhere, the group behind the people frozen in time inside Grand Central Station, are back with an impromptu musical inside a Los Angeles mall food court. I would have bought this hook, line and sinker if I didn’t actually attend acting class with one of the guys (the janitor, good singer too).
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkYZ6rbPU2M]
4 – Growing up, I don’t know how many times I said to my pals, “Gee, Predator is just such an awesome film. I only wish I could express the excitement and story of it through British Rap.” Today, one of my childhood dreams has come true. [via GorillaMask]
5 – Hellion on heels, Ann Coulter, has spoken out saying Obama should do the respectful thing and step down from the race. Her reasoning is that Hillary has won three primaries in a row (she doesn’t count Vermont because it was earlier in the day). My main confusion is why she wasn’t asking Hillary to step down after losing eleven primaries in a row. 11!? Evidently Ann likes to push the stereotype that women are running around shopping while muttering, “Math is hard.” [via Perez Hilton]
6 – Ummmm…Stunt Rock is actually a Public Service Announcement for all the things you should never, ever do. This includes: hitting people with your car, jumping off buildings and dressing like a wizard during a rock concert. [via Dave]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXNBS4WqyX8]
7 - In the first piece of good news to come out of the new Terminator project, they are officially dumping the “Salvation” portion of the title. Now we should keep our fingers crossed hoping this will lead to more things being dropped, like McG. [via FilmDrunk]
8 - What happens when you make a worldwide phenom viral video campaign like Ask a Ninja? You win the rights to write and direct the remake everyone has been clamoring for: The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! Oh yes, once more our silver screen streets will be overrun by the seeds of discontent from the mutant garden. Let’s see if the remake can launch another Hollywood legend like George Clooney (technically he was in the sequel, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, but let’s not split hairs). [via Hollywood Reporter]
9 - The time has come to finally buy the one item we have wanted since birth. Can someone just loan me $5,500 for it? [via Uncrate]
10 – This was too adorable not to post: [via Swissmiss]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmblVE2EC9w]
Bonus: Just because this was their top post this morning: [via Swissmiss]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoiFGva_JoY]
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 9:45 am. Add a comment
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